'Fun dads' get 5 things right about parenting that many people forget—'they're worth borrowing' this Father's Day, says expert

Even if you never plan to wrestle a toddler before bedtime, we could all use a little fun-dad energy. There's a reason the stereotype exists: Dads spend a lot of time playing with their children, and they tend to enjoy it. In fact, dads report feeling happier when interacting with their kids than during most other daily activities.

Of course, dads may have more room for play partly because moms are carrying more of the mental load of parenting. On average, moms report being responsible for about 73% of all cognitive household labor compared with their partners' 27%, and it's stressing them out.  

As we work to rebalance the less-fun parts of parenting and household management, we shouldn't lose sight of what fun dads get right: Play matters. And it's good for adults, too.

This Father's Day, here are five fun-dad habits worth borrowing.

Fun gets harder when we put too much pressure on it. Not all play needs to be epic. Fun dads recognize the mileage in small moments of play, like introducing your kids to your old LEGOs or pretending to be a monster with your toddler while you're getting ready in the morning.

Adults often think our leisure time needs to be productive. What's the point of a hobby if we don't develop a marketable skill or turn it into a side hustle? We end up making fun feel like work before we've even started.

Plus, passive entertainment asks almost nothing of us. Sometimes that's exactly what we need when we're exhausted.

Adults often wait to feel playful before they'll play. But that gets the order wrong. Most of us can't reason our way into a fun mood.

Fun dads often skip the emotional pregame. They just start with a funny bit or turn a chore into a challenge and then see what happens. Feelings can catch up in unexpected ways.

When writer Derek Thompson reflected on playing monster with his toddler, he said: "Nothing in my life could have anticipated this hunter-prey pageantry or the joy I get from it."

Modern adults are already fairly interruptible, but often in the wrong way. We're quick to let our phones steal our attention, yet we get annoyed when real people do the same.

But if we're unwilling to be interrupted by the people in front of us, we'll miss their attempts to connect with us. Relationship researchers John and Julie Gottman call these "bids for connection," and they found that couples who stayed together were far more likely to turn toward these bids than couples who eventually got divorced. 

Being interruptible means loosening our grip on our tasks and plans so there's enough space for real people to get in.

Manager mode has its place. It helps keep the kids fed, the bills paid, and the family on schedule. But play works more like improv. You have to be curious and adaptive because you can't plan everything in advance. You have to pay attention to what's emerging and then build from there.

That can sometimes feel uncomfortable because it requires us to let go of some of our control. Fun dads are able to immerse themselves in whatever game, joke or adventure their kids invite them into, and they're willing to look silly and make some mistakes while doing it.

We often treat play as a break from life. In one sense, it is. Play helps us recover from work and caregiving demands by reducing stress and increasing resilience.

But joy and human connection are critical components of a flourishing life. They give us something we can't get from more work. As novelist Michael Chabon put it, "[My] books, unlike my children, do not love me back."

That doesn't mean fun dads get off the hook for the hard parts of parenting. They also need to share in the unpleasant work. Fun dads, at their best, are not dodging serious parenting. They have fun because they take it seriously.

They understand something many overworked adults forget: A good life includes work and responsibility. It also includes living-room wrestling matches, silly stories, and ordinary moments to show the people we love that we delight in them.

Jen Zamzow, PhD, is an adjunct professor of healthcare ethics at Concordia University Irvine, a writer, and a mom to two young boys. You can find subscribe to her newsletter "A Well-Lived Life." Funding for this project was provided in part by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, as part of its "Spreading Love Through the Media" initiative, supported by the John Templeton Foundation. 

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